The Beginning of the End

Almost 30 books, 33 pages, 12, 111 words and countless cups of tea later, my dissertation hell is over.

I write this sat at the Blue 1 computer cluster of John Rylands University Library, having just finalised and printed my dissertation. Thats right, that thing that I've been moaning about for the last four weeks. It's finished. Complete. Printed. What I feel now though is not the sense of elation that I was expecting, more a feeling of dread, knowing that there is nothing I can do now.

I am of course relieved. This thing has been on my mind so much I have been dreaming about it. I have become involved in what can only be described as a complicated relationship with John Rylands Library and I haven't been able to watch a single episode of Eastender's without feeling guilty about it. But the thing I look forward to the most is having a conversation that isn't about it. For the last few weeks, I'd say 8 out of 10 of my conversations with other people have begun, "Hi, hows your work going?" Well now I can just shout "Finished!" in their faces and run away laughing.

I think though that my sense of dread is not just a matter of no turning back, but also of all the things that are looming now that it's finished and I can longer use it as an excuse to put off my life. Job applications, Fuse stuff, holiday stuff, other modules. It just doesn't stop.

Matters have been made slightly worse by my recent 'I-dont-know-what-to-do-with-my-life' panic. But what about media?! I hear you cry. Well, it's not that I've suddenly decided that's not what I want to do, it's simply that other options have come to light. My mum for some time now has tried to pursuade me to be a teacher, but I've always dismissed her wishes, as have most people I have come across throughout life. Teaching apparently,aint as good a job as you'd think. The thingis, I love kids. For the three years I've spent at uni, I've had a job as a Student Ambassador, working with disadvantaged youths from all around Manchester. It seems though that it's taken me three years to realise that I really do rather enjoy working with these kids, and making a difference to their lives. Now I am left with a dilema. Keep on trying to get a job in the media, or turn my back on 7 years of hard work and try something new? The conclusion I came to last night whilst fretting over this, is to simply do both, and whichever one means I dont have to spend the next year at home, wins.

Where I'll be come June and next year will have to wait however. For now, my priority is finishing my degree. Only one more essay and two more exams to go. By 27th May it'll all be over. I dont know if this makes me happy or sad. Whilst I am totally fed up of being a student, living in what is almost certainly squalor, having no money, hours spent in the library, the 'real world' is just far too scary.

Urgh. I'm going for a brew.

Too Busy to Blog

I am too busy to blog about being too busy.

Ironic isn't it.

A lot has happened in the weeks since I last wrote. Those weeks have been, I am pleased to say, mouse free, but work and stress still continue to keep me from getting a decent nights sleep.

Yesterday I experienced what my good friend E described to me as 'The Fear'. It is something most students get, apparently, when they realise that actually, they've spent rather a lot of money on this thing called a degree, and that really, they should, after two and a half years, get down to doing some actual, proper, work. I consequently spent most of yesterday in the library fretting over how much I had to do, how little time I had to do it in, and how it was all my fault. If I were part of the annoying 'acronym generation' that social media seems to have given birth to, my facebook statuses would be full of fml's and cba's at the moment. Or should that be atm?

My problem is not really that I don't want to do my Uni work - it just that other things keep postponing it. Fuse has been a big commitment all year - but now that that has finished, it has only been replaced by yet another dreaded BBC application form. Yes that right, I am applying to the BBC again. Yes - I am aware of what I wrote in my last post, but this, this is the job of all jobs. Every media-wannabe's wet dream of a job. The Production Trainee Scheme. Or PTS for you acronymites. Only along with it comes the application forms of all application forms. It even involves a 'creativity test'. Jeez - do these people not know I am behind on my dissertation?

Speaking of the big d, progress has been rather slow. (What a surprise I hear you cry). I did however, finally conduct my interviews which were - interesting. You know you've not put the effort in when a first year management student quotes a text at you that's relevant to your dissertation, but that you've not read. Lets just say the moment was awkward.

I've done a lot of thinking about it - just not any substantial writing. But its OK, I've got 28 days, plenty of time to spend in the library. One plus is that I've realised if you bring your own teabags to the library with you, they'll only charge you 50p for hot water and a cup. A saving of 45p. You know what they say, 'look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves.' Well - I just take pleasure in knowing that in small ways I am gaining back a little of my fees. Just another 18,000 cups of tea to go then. Excellent.

I haven't really said much about the ending of Fuse FM have I? To be honest - I haven't had time to really register it. Three years I've been with station. With it I've discovered skills I didn't know I had, found a passion for the radio I didn't know I had, made friends that I will keep for life and even found love. Ahhh. We had our awards ceremony earlier this week. I won the 'I've slept with the most Fuse members' award. Hilarious. The boys on the committee even planned for about 20 people to stand up and admit sleeping with me. They of course, haven't. My boyfriend T is the ex station manager. Some fuse presenters though, didn't get the joke.

So, I leave my legacy at Fuse FM - as a slut.

"End of Broadcast 20" - Student Direct Article featuring me. Please do read it. Its rather lovely.

Now - while I crack on with my PTS form and worrying about how I am 0 words down on my 13,000 word dissertation - I'll leave you with a nice quote that a dear friend of mine sent me;

"The greater the artist, the greater the doubt. Perfect confidence is granted to the less talented as a consolation prize" - Robert Hughes.

Well, that's reassuring.